I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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