just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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