A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize