He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
