So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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