Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
