im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
