explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
