I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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