there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
