just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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