i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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