im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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