Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I faked an abortion last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
