I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
