You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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