Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
