I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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