foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
