When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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