Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
