i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
