Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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