dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I did not marry a roomba.
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