but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
