I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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