ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
