also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
