I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just found puke in my bra..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
last night I used snow as a chaser
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
