it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
