Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
