A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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