I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
