My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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