There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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