How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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