He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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