i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
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