and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
