I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
