She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
