my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
