if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
