Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
