well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well I just put wine in my tea
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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