I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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