Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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