This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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