You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
