I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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