She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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