and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
