alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
