How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
