I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
