If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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