I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
