she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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