i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
