Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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